inevitably awkward.

Upon going home today from the Post Office, I decided to ride the PUV. It's cheap, you know.

All was well until we passed the Colon intersection. A couple also hopped in to ride the jeep that I was in. They sat opposite me. Time passed, and we also passed a few blocks until we reached USC. I was just minding my own business when I happened to glance at the couple. I noticed that the girl had pretty eyes. Probably because she was wearing eye makeup.

I wanted to check the accompanying guy out. So I tried a quick glance. I looked at his shorts, which had paint residue all over it. How untidy of him, I thought.

Then, as if Fate mocked me for being so "usisera", I looked up and the guy also happened to glance at me.

It was as if a light bulb flashed at the top of my head. I know this guy!

Then I had second thoughts if it was really him. He just looked at me for one millisecond. So I tried to scan my memory if he has a twin brother or so. He has none!

I thought, Maybe it's just somebody who has the same features as the guy I knew. That would explain the cold shoulder. Again, I pushed the thought away. No, this is him. I was positive this time. Because of his shorts. That has paint.

The guy I knew was an artist.

Being myself, I did not call his attention. I think it's my "disorder" not to say hi until the other person will do it first.

Since then, I had this nagging, uneasy feeling at the seat across mine. Questions and thoughts swim through my head.

Grrrr...when will they step down from the jeep?


Are they going to ride all the way to Lahug?? That would be a hassle!


Is he trying to catch my eye?


Who's the chick? His girlfriend?


Ugh! This is so uncomfortable!


I'll just look for some change, pay the driver, say "lugar lang!" and hop on another jeep.

You know what I did? Nothing! I just stared at the buildings and vehicles that we passed by as if nothing has happened.

It was not until we reached CDUH that they stepped down from the jeep and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

I thought to myself: Why am I like this? I am supposed to be an educated woman (?) and I was supposed to handle the situation the mature way.  And I keep scolding myself for being...me.

Then I screamed at myself in silence for picking the cheaper option to go home. Which was absurd! I wanted to kick myself. Hard.

The thing is, this always happens to me when I see people I know. I always doubt if they will acknowledge my presence or not. Do I look like royalty? I would hardly say I am. But that's what I think at the back of my mind.

It's the feeling of denial, rejection and shame for saying hi to someone who does not even know you. It gnaws on your self esteem. And I hate to feel that way.

So rather evoke a blank expression than feel embarrassed after an awkward moment. Right?

Oh, and by the way. The guy that I know? We had a "past". :)